A lot of times, I sit and wonder what it’s all for. In my experiences, most of the time life seems to be one disappointment after another. I know this sounds like more emo bullshit, but whatever. Unlike people with their “my girlfriend broke up with me so I’m going to cut myself” or “Daddy won’t buy me a new car so I’m going to do drugs” bullshit, I have gone through some tough times. I’ve never attempted suicide or done a ton of drugs or whatever, and I think I would have an excuse to. But this post isn’t supposed to be a rant on emo fuckups.

The title of this post may be a stupid lyric from a stupid song, but it sums up how I feel a lot of the time. I want to be able to just forget everything and sit at home with friends and just listen to punk rock records and drink beer and fucking enjoy the simple, good things in life. I don’t know, I just have to wonder, if everything is going to fuck up, why bother? Good people end up suffering, while assholes get what they want. As Lewis Black put it, “the good die young, but pricks live forever.”

But what am I supposed to do? I try to be a good person, I get fucked. I try to be a prick, I get fucked just as much. Sometimes it seems I can’t win, and I don’t understand it. People tell me about Karma and all that shit, talk about how “I have good stuff coming to me” but I haven’t seen it yet. Homelessness. Hospital Bills. Stress. Can’t afford college. Can’t afford a thing. But assholes of the world get everything handed to them. I don’t understand.

And then I write something like this, and I feel like an asshole for bitching, because so many people have/had it so much worse than I ever have. And it pisses me off to hear people bitching about the most asinine bullshit. Do people not realize how tough people have it?

One of the low points in my life was trying to join the peace corps. I thought “well, my life is fucked. Forget about myself, let me try to help others” or whatever went on in my head, and I try to sign up, and I fucking can’t. Because I don’t have a degree. Because I can’t afford to go to college. Because I can’t get financial aid until I’m 25. (See below.) Let me restate that: I want to try to help people, and I can’t. I get turned away. How terrible would you feel if someone told you you weren’t good enough to help people? Ridiculous. Depressing.

One more word to describe it: BULLSHIT.

So ok, go to college. Fair enough, right? Easy? Nope.

Here’s the problem: Until I am 25, I have to have my parents tax information in order to get financial aid. I was homeless because of my parents. I was abused physically and emotionally. So I don’t have any contact with them. I tried to get their financial aid one time, you would think they would at least help me with that, right? No, I get information, but my stepfather makes it all up. I didn’t know, so I fill out my FAFSA form or whatever to get the aid, and start classes. Have a full schedule, just to find out that my information is being audited. Seeing as it was all lies, I no longer have financial aid. So I’m fucked, until I’m 25. There are 2 other ways around it–get married, or have a child. So by being responsible and not wanting to have a kid or get married until after I finish college and I could provide for said child, I get fucked. Meanwhile every god damn day people go to college on Uncle Sam’s dime, just to party and flunk out. How is that fair, in anyone’s eyes?

So, why should I care anymore?

Because I can’t help it. Because I want to do something in my life. Help people.

Can’t do anything big to help? I try the small things. Let someone merge in while I’m driving, don’t get a wave in thanks. Hold doors open for someone, don’t get a thank you in return. Or worse. (Actual experience: I opened the door for this woman, and she yells at me. “I can open it myself!” Fuck you.)

I don’t really know what to do anymore. It doesn’t matter anyway, if I thought of a better way to be–to act–I would end up staying the same as I am now. And honestly, as much as I complained above, deep down I don’t think I would want myself any other way.